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How many bluesmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten. One to screw it in and nine to talk about how Stevie Ray could have done it better.

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When God created Stevie Ray Vaughan, he was just showing off.

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IN A TRIAL, IN A SMALL TOWN IN TEXAS A PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS, A MEXICAN GRANDMOTHER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN TO THE STAND.

HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, " MRS. SANCHEZ, DO YOU KNOW ME?"

SHE RESPONDED, "SI, I MEAN, YES I KNOW YOU MR. WILLIAMS. I KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE A CHAVALITO AND FRANKLY YOU'VE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME.

YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, AND YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE AND TALK ABOUT THEM BEHIND THEIR BACKS. YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIG SHOT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE BRAINS TO REALIZE YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO NOTHIN' BUT A TWO BIT PAPER PUSHER. YES I KNOW YOU."

THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED. NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO, HE POINTED ACROSS THE ROOM AND ASKED, "MRS. SANCHEZ, DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY?"

SHE AGAIN REPLIED, "WHY YES I DO. I'VE KNOWN MR. RODRIGUEZ SINCE HE WAS A CHAVALITO TOO. HE'S LAZY, GORDO, AND HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. HE CAN'T HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH NOBODY AND HE HAS THE WORST LAW PRACTICE IN THE STATE. AND NOT TO MENTION HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH THREE DIFFERENT PUTAS. ONE OF THEM WAS YOUR WIFE. YOU MEMBER? I KNOW MR. RODRIGUEZ, HIS MAMA ISNOT PROUD OF HIM.

THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST DIED. THE JUDGE ASKED BOTH COUNSELORS TO APPROACH THE BENCH AND IN A VERY QUIET VOICE SAID, "IF EITHER OF YOU IDIOTS ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, I"LL SEND YOU TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!"

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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

 
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
 
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. bag of coffee, And 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
 
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

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There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

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Two Christmas bells go into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve bells here." One of the bells turns to the bartedner and says,

"That's okay. We just came in to tinkle."

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFNF-ANi-yU

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In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

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People over 35 should be dead. Here's why.

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day (no cell phones).

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

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fairy of joy.jpg (45520 bytes) (click to enlarge)

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How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions on how to clean your toilet:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog
x-thecat.jpg (15468 bytes)
x-thedog.jpg (28921 bytes) (click on each to see the results)

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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? 
Unique Up On It. 
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? 
Tame Way. 
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? 
They Take The Psycho Path 
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? 
You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? 
Dam! 
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? 
Polaroids 
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? 
A Stick 
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? 
Nacho Cheese. 
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? 
Subordinate Clauses. 
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? 
Quattro Sinko.. 
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? 
Spoiled Milk. 
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? 
Frostbite. 
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? 
A Nervous Wreck. 
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? 
Anyone Can Roast Beef. 
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? 
Right Where You Left Him. 
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? 
Because They Have Big Fingers. 
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? 
Because It Scares The Dog. 
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? 
Sanka. 
19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? 
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 
20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? 
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!  A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 
21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?! 
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer 

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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true? 
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it ...don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. 
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. 
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember, 
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in 
an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one 
hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - 
WOO HOO! What a Ride!" 

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  GOOD
  A Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, policeman had a perfect spot to watch
for speeders, but wasn't getting many.  Then he discovered the problem -
a12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD".  The officer then found a young accomplice down the road
with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.  (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

  BETTER
  A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Albuquerque, New Mexico, a $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.  The police responded with a photo of handcuffs!

  BEST
  A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  As a New Mexico State Police
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Policeman's Ball."  He
replied, "New Mexico State Police don't have balls."  There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.  He then
closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.  She was laughing too
hard to start her car.

  _______________________________________________________


  Texas Bumper Stickers:

  "IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
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  Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
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  The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
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  I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
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  So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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  Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
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  If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
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   Honk If Anything Falls Off.
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   You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
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  Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph -- Also Are Timed For 70 mph
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  Guys: No Shirt, No Service  -  Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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  Ax Me About Ebonics.
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  Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
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  Boldly Going Nowhere.
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  Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
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  Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
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  How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
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  All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
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  Politicians and Diapers: Both Need to be Changed, And for the Same Reason!
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Newest Version of the Birds and the Bees

  Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?" His dad sighs and replies,
  "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!

  Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive.

  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.  Six weeks
later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system
was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self-extracting
file, which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

  Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"

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You're An Extreme Redneck If...
* You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
* The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
* You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
* You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
* Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this."
* You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
* Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
* Your junior prom offered day care.
* You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
* You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
* The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
* You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
* One of your kids was born on a pool table.
* You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
* You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
* You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

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Retired
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a
small shop on High street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to
him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog doo. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing
a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a darn. I came downtown by bus. I try to have a
little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

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Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy, Down
at the Harp Pub in County Clare,  Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that
we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.  "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we've had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac smugly. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and
decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

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http://www.sonnyradio.com/chrisbliss.htm Click on WATCH

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Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States."

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Bono is at a U2 concert in Chicago when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says softly and seriously into the microphone...    "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies......"
A voice from near the front pierces the silence..."Well, then stop &%$@ing clapping your hands."

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http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/61513/Men_In_Coats.html

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Somewhere Over the Rainbow in Oz
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you", he said on National Television.

"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and another the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option", Costello said.

Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want, to live by Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically clear off", he said.

Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."

"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. And as Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle."

"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom. We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society ... Learn the language!"

"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."

"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."

"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others."

"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of tne other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."

"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."

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Attributed to Andy Rooney of "60 Minutes." (Let me know if this attribution is incorrect.)
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa ; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

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If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no god, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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36 ways to say someone is stupid:
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.

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Steven Wright classics:

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count
 how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off.  
One day I got a call from a woman in Germany who said "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe 
I wrote that."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when I get pulled over the cop looks 
at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't 
understand it.  It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today."  I said "Oops..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one 
out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.

My neighbor has a circular driveway.  He can't get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go. You'll just be walking 
down the street and.................oohh, that's much better.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on 
beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

My school colors were clear.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, 
would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies.  They caught him because he was 
putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a 
whiffle-ball and chain.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . . .

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter 
back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August?  Cool!"

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?"  I said, 
"Because I don't believe everything I read."

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained.  So I shot him with 
a gun with a silencer.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

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If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport 
something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this
started, she announced that she had become pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money
and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the
pregnancy and have the baby over there.

"But how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.

"Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card
and write 'sauerkraut' on the back".

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to
Germany.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at
his office.  "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail
today", she explained.  "I don't understand what it means!".

 "Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied.   Later
that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which said:

"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT
TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"

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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.Didn't you
say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer." 

        Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

        "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

        Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."

        The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client." I believe he is a fraud.  Please
tell him to simply answer the question."

        By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule Bessie."

        Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side.  I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot
her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun
in his hand and looked at me.  He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I
had to shoot her. -how are you feeling?"

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How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
How does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game", when we are already there?

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Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '07:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas
the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering
experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've
faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you
and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The
real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your
worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who
are reckless with yours.

Floss..

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. 

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do
with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still
don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when
they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you
won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on
your 75th wedding anniversary.  Whatever you do, don't congratulate
yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance.
So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of
what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever
own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be
nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people
most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should
hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older
you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise.  Politicians will
philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that
when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and
children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe
you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run
out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia.  Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and
recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

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 A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful
 woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is
 walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to
 begin a conversation with her. 

 He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" 

 She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." 

 He's CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's
 going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!! "And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks. 

 "Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality." 

 "And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately. 

 She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most
 endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who own this trait. Also, it is widely
 believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who
 make the best lovers." 

 "Very interesting....." the man responds. 

 Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just
 feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What's your name?" 

 The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.......Tonto Goldstein."

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HOW TO SING THE BLUES

                (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)

 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
    stick something nasty in the next line.

        I got a good woman--
        with the meanest dog in town.

 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
    Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

        Got a good woman
        with the meanest dog in town.
        He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
        and he weighs about 500 pounds.

 4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
    transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin'plays
    a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
    adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
    a man in Memphis.

 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
    Queens.  Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
    Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
    the blues.

 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
        a. violet
        b. beige
        c. mauve

 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
    lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
        a. the highway
        b. the jailhouse
        c. the empty bed

    Bad places:
        a. Ashrams
        b. Gallery openings
        c. weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
    happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
    Yes, if:
        a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
        b. you're blind
        c. you shot a man in Memphis.
        d. you can't be satisfied.

   No, if:
        a. you were once blind but now can see.
        b. you're deaf
        c. you have a trust fund.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
    Other blues beverages are:
        a. wine
        b. Irish whiskey
        c. muddy water

    Blues beverages are NOT:
        a. Any mixed drink
        b. Any wine kosher for Passover
        c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death.
    Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is
    the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an
    emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a
    liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women
        a. Sadie
        b. Big Mama
        c. Bessie

17. Some Blues Names for Men
        a. Joe
        b. Willie
        c. Little Willie
        d. Lightning

    Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to
    sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
        a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
        b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
        c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
        Mix and Match

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 This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
 One day,he sees a speck in the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
 
 The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The
 speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
 
 Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet
 suit and scuba gear.
 
 She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've
 had a cigarette?"  "Ten years!" he says.  She reaches over, unzips a
 waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh
 cigarettes.    He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says,
 "Man oh man! Is that good!"
 
 Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
 whiskey?"  He replies, "Ten  years!"  She reaches over, unzips her waterproof
 pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long
 swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
 
 Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of
 her wetsuit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had
 some REAL fun?"
 
 The man  replies,  "My God!  Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

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A small town farmer had three daughters.  Being a single father, he tended
to be a little over-protective of his daughters.  When gentlemen came to
take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to
make sure they knew who was boss.

One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates.

The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentleman said,

 "Hi, I'm Joe,
 I'm here for Flo,
 We're goin' to the show,
 Is she ready to go?"

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentleman said,

 "Hi, I'm Eddie,
 I'm here for Leddy,
 We're gettin' spaghetti,
 Is she ready?"

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentleman said,

 "Hi, I'm Chuck, "
And the farmer shot him.

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Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip...but there were problems everywhere.  Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee 
elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was 
beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed 
Santa even more.  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three  of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and
were out,  heaven knows where.  More Stress.  Then when he began to load the
sleigh one  of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and
scattered the  toys.

So frustrated,  Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a
shot of  whiskey.  When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the
liquor and there was nothing to drink.  In his frustration, he dropped the 
coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made 
from.  Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. 
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas 
tree.  The angel said:  "Where would you like to put this tree, Santa?"

And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

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Dear Abby,
I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive.
Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.
A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs.
He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it and the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with". He agreed.
Saturday night came and I slipped behind my vintage Marshall JMP MKII 50W half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other three.
Is this something I can fix myself or do need to take it to a technician?
Signed,
Very Concerned

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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day.......   
  
Heard your wife left you, 
How upset you must be. 
But don't fret about it... 
She moved in with me. 
Looking back over the years 
that we've been together, 
I can't help but wonder... 
"What the hell was I thinking?" 
Congratulations on your wedding day! 
Too bad no one likes your wife. 
   
I've always wanted to have 
someone to hold, 
someone to love. 
After having met you .. 
I've changed my mind.    
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... 
That you're not here to ruin it for me. 
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! 
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia ) 
(This was sent to me by someone in Kentucky)   
When we were together, 
you always said you'd die for me. 
Now that we've broken up, 
I think it's time you kept your promise.
   
We have been friends for a very long time .. 
let's say we stop? 
I'm so miserable without you 
it's almost like you're here. 
   
Your friends and I wanted to do 
something special for your birthday. 
So we're having you put to sleep. 

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